Fei Lin's Penis Stolen By Thieves

This is a headline that raises more questions than it answers.  The implication, of course, is that Mr. Lin has–or had–the sort of a penis that could be stolen–perhaps a new and improved detachable penis, possibly one that he stores in a small case when he’s not using it. I can just imagine it. Last night when he went to bed he removed his penis and glasses, blew on them, polished them with his handkerchief, put  them in their cases, and set them on his nightstand where he could find them easily.

And this morning, when he arose, the glasses were there, but the penis was missing. He called the cops. “My penis has been stolen,” he said.

“How long has it been gone?” the cops asked.

“It was here when I went to bed last night, but now it’s gone,” says Mr. Fei.

“Have you checked with its friends?” asked the cops. “Maybe it hasn’t been stolen. Maybe it’s just wandered away.”

“It wouldn’t go off on its own,” said Mr. Fei angrily. “It was right here last night. And now it’s gone.”

“How about the pound? Did you check the pound? How about the local hospitals? You might call around a little.”

“It’s been stolen, I tell you,” says Mr. Fei angrily. “It wouldn’t have just wandered away.”

“Has there been trouble at home? Did the two of you perhaps have a disagreement? Have it seemed happy lately? Boxers or briefs?”

“Dammit, I want some action!” shouts Mr. Fei.

“Don’t we all?” asks the cop.

“I want to file a report.”

“Sorry, sir, we can’t do that until your penis has been missing for 48 hours. Maybe you could put up some posters around the neighborhood. Do you have a good, clear, recent picture? Maybe one of your neighbors has seen it.”

And from there, of course, I was as lost as the unfortunate Mr. Fei’s penis. I could just see it–posters, pictures on milk cartons, and, in the unlikely event the penis returned home, the counseling sessions necessary before Mr. Fei and his penis could reunite.

My first novel, Redeeming Stanley, (which can be had for a pittance here) features a penis (the Independent Entity) as a character, but this story about Mr. Fei and his penis carried the concept a giant step farther.

Maybe the penis really was stolen–or abducted, depending on how far you go with the whole personalizing penises thing. Maybe a gang of Penis Thieves really did break into Mr. Fei’s house and steal his penis. But why? Unless they  also stole a bicycle pump, or eleven secret herbs and spices, I just can’t see the reason for a theft like that, and Mr. Fei made no mention of a missing bicycle pump or spices.

Which leaves us right back where we started. Either Mr. Fei misplaced his penis, or it wandered away on its own, in which case flyers on trees and telephone poles and pictures on milk cartons would be his best bet.

A bit unnerving for the rest of us to see that on the breakfast table, admittedly, but be honest. If your penis was missing, wouldn’t you want it found and returned to you?

Note: The House Leroy and The Boy found this headline both less gripping and less hilarious than I did. And indeed, the actually news story (which I read once I got done cackling and speculating how the whereabouts of Mr. Fei’s penis) is much less amusing, since the penis seems to have been removed by fellow townsmen who felt it had been getting out and about more than it should have been. The penis seems to be gone for good. Here at the Magic Doghouse we are sensitive to having Manly Parts lopped off (particularly the males among us), so we wish Mr. Fei all the best as he adjusts to the loss of his penis.

Note 2: I know, I know, I should be ashamed, making fun of someone else’s pain. But it was that danged headline. I just couldn’t help myself. And at least I didn’t make up a poster for Mr. Fei, even though I’ve practically had to strap my hands down to avoid doing it.