So I’m reading the news again today and I run across the latest iteration in the ongoing labyrinthine argument on who gets to decide who gets what form of birth control, how much it will cost, and who will pay for it. After reading for quite some time I felt satisfied in my mind that providing women with birth control pills is a good and fiscally sound thing for insurance providers to do. Witness my surprise to read further and learn that women who hold opinions like mine are being considered drains on society, irresponsible leaches who are demanding that the public play for their private pleasure, and, not to put too fine a point on it, no better than they should be.
Well, that sort of sent me back to the drawing board, which was a very good thing, because on consideration I realized that my initial position (that birth control pills are frequently prescribed for reasons other than prevention of pregnancy, that even when they are prescribed as a prophylactic it is cheaper to prevent a pregnancy than to later fund an abortion or the life of an unexpected child, and that in any case the company offering healthcare coverage, and not tax payers, pays for the pills), was shortsighted.
I was dealing with symptoms. How much better would it be to deal with the first causes?
Because I have a highly trained mind and believe that the right solution, surgically applied, is far better than a less specific remedy more broadly applied, I bent my big brain to the subject, and yes! There it was! The answer! And within ten minutes! No need for a Congressional Committee. No need for questions of shared expense. No need for histrionics and name calling, or for calls upon a Higher Power to support an otherwise dodgy argument! Just a pure, simple solution to the problem of unplanned pregnancy, based on a sound understanding of human biology. Here it is:
In every case except one, the birth of a child was preceded by cross-gender sex. If we rule out the repetition of that one Noteworthy Example, we can rest assured that we can safely, securely, and reliably limit or completely eliminate all unplanned pregnancies by simply outlawing cross gender sexual activity.
I ran this past the House Leroy, who saw some flaws with my plan, but I had control of the keyboard so I felt I could safely disregard his reservations. This plan is a good one, reliable, so simple even a childlike woman can grasp enough of the basics to implement it reliably. And best of all, this plan has Stood the Test of Time.
Take the case of Lysistrata, who banned all sexual pairings as a means of applying pressure to end a war. A careful reading of the play by Aristophanes reveals that the women would have been more effective had they understood that intra-gender pairings would have in no way have lessened their plan’s overall effectiveness. Indeed, had they understood the powerful role such pairings can play they could have quite possibly maintained the ban on inter-gender pairings indefinitely! But there you are, too soon old, too late smart.
So that’s it, ladies. We have it within our power to give the folks militating against safe, affordable contraception for women exactly what they want–a nation full of women who will have inter-gender sex only when a child is a sound emotional, financial, and social decision, and will reserve all other sexual activity for intra-gender pairings. They’ll be so pleased!